Dear Father,

March 12, 1995

A beautiful 6 lb 9 oz baby girl, with mesmerizing brown eyes was born. She cried and her mother cried. Family was excited to finally have her in their arms after nine long months, even her grandpa who was upset at first, little does grandpa know, one day he’ll be walking her down the aisle to be married.

everyone was there and excited, but where were you?

Her first birthday rolls around very quickly, she started walking at 7 months, she had the cutest laugh and the most amazing smile you’d lay eyes on. She had her own smash cake from Albertson’s and everyone just loved watching her play with the cake.

Everyone was there and happy, but where were you?

She’s four and being pulled out of school by her uncle, because it’s finally time to see her new siblings. She’s wearing her “i am a big sister shirt” and gets to hold each baby, she’s instantly in love. Once it’s time to get everyone home to be a family, things change. It was the moment she realized she would do whatever it took to save her siblings from the pain and suffering. She was four and 1/2, he touched her inappropriately and told her, “your dad said I could” so he did, She tried to scream and cry, he covered her mouth.

She was hurt, scared and searching for you, where were you?

She’s 6 now, she’s getting the twins ready for bed and is told she needs to sleep in the living room, she’s not allowed in the room. She knows what is going to happen, or at least thought she knew. She’s finally asleep and happy that tonight it won’t happen, next thing, she’s awaken by a sharp pain and a lot of blood. She’s crying and now staring her rapist in the eyes. Morning comes, and she tried to tell you, and you say to her “I don’t know what to tell you.” And you begin to hit her for lying to you. She goes to school and hides in a turtle neck shirt.

She’s alone, betrayed and unsure if life is for her, but where were you?

Now she’s 12, moms had enough of you and wants to get divorced. She’s happy as can be, she’s finally leaving her abuser and rapist, she’s about to start a new life, her, her mom and the twins. Court was set, and you owe her mom child support for three kids, and get visitation with only two. She doesn’t tell the court about the rape from your brother, but tells them about the abuse and neglect, you’re charged with that.

She 18, graduating high school and enlisted in the military, you tell her, “I want to be there, I want to be a father to you.” She tells you “you have one last chance, show up to my graduation” — she walks the stage, she’s looking upon the crowd for your face, she’s disappointed and hurt.

She made another milestone in life, that you missed, where were you?

She’s 20, she gets into a fight with her sibling, the one she said she’d go to the ends of the world for, they argue hard, words are said that shouldn’t of been said, but it brings her back to when you told her to kill herself, so she finally believes that it’s time. you get word she’s in the hospital due to an overdose, you actually show up, but you slap her face and say , “you’re so fucking stupid” she freaks out and your kicked out.

she realizes dying still wouldn’t make you happy. She just wants a father who cares for her, but where were you?

———————————————————————

I’m 24 now father, you missed my birthday, as usual, but that okay because I finally stopped asking where you were. I finally realized I do not need you. I realized the ones I needed where always there, since the day I took my first and almost my last breath. I’m getting married in a few short months, and this man has taken all that you’ve given me, and help me mold myself into a new person and give me my life back. I promised him, that he would never meet you, and he never wanted to — the only time I said that he would possibly meet you would be if someone is dead or dying. After losing my grandma in April of 2018, look who showed up, he wanted to punch you in the face and I wanted to avoid you. Instead, I was mature, said hi and gave you a hug, what did you do? You slapped my face in a “friendly” manner, and my fiancé said he’s never seen me flinch so hard until that moment. I have days where my PTSD hits me, between you and your brother. I know I haven’t spoke to you since I lost my grandma, I don’t know where you are or how you are, but you never cared for me, why should I? Difference between you and me, I was raised to treat everyone with respect regardless how their impact on the world has been. I hope one day these words find you, if they never do, at least the world finally has these words, not just my mind.

Sincerely,

Larissa

last night / three months / five months.

April 21, 2018.

we said our goodbyes.

May 13, 2018 

mothers day. i dreamt of you.

i got to see your sweet smile that instantly gave my soul the warmth that it needed. the way your calming voice said my name made me feel like you were physically sitting next to me holding my hand, feeling the warmth of your hands brought me to my knees. you told me, “she’s okay, i’m okay and we’re together. she’s beautiful, she has your nose and your smile, and she loves you.” you smiled at me, as tears filled my eyes, and once again you said, “she wants to meet you, but it’s not time, you’ll know when its time.” you took my pain and gracefully sent it away, nothing has felt easy until now, i can breathe easier and i can feel at peace. you’re both safe, happy and comfortable.

i woke up today heavy hearted and in a daze, it felt so real, it hurt my heart to wake up knowing i wont see you. all i could ask for is one more conversation….. please, i thought you’d be here longer than this. now i’m standing upon your grave, placing flowers by the stone, tears falling out of my eyes and a million words wanting to be spoken to you. just one more conversation that’s all i ask for please….

just let me say ‘I love you’ one more time….

June 21, 2018

two months. i’m replaying the day in my mind.

the machine is breathing for you, im seeing your chest rise and fall, but it doesn’t feel right, it’s not you, it’s not what you wanted. we’re all sitting, standing, even squatting. eating vienna sausages, drinking diet sugar free coke, you know the ones in the yellow cans, spreading potted meat on crackers; you always believed those were the best snacks. i downed two cans of vienna sausages, it was the first thing i had eaten in three days.

we were gathered in what felt like the smallest room possible, tears building in our eyes, hearts getting heavy, and whimpers starting to grow louder than the heart beating in our own chests, hoping once that tube is removed you’ll be breathing calmly, enjoying the fresh air entering and exiting your lungs, doing it on your own. as the nurse walks in and greets us and says, ” okay we will being removing the tube.” i look around the room, everyones stomachs are in their throats, you can see everyone lacking oxygen in their lungs as we hold our breath, so we can take one big breath with you. as the tube is removed, you being breathing on your own — it’s no where near calm, they’re labored and shallow, you have a collapsed lung and your other lung is overcompensating for it. we’re all crying  telling you we’re all here, that we all love you.

you open your eyes, and reach up for a second, we have a small glimmer of hope.

moments later, we’re walking on 6th, laughing, sharing stories about you grandma enjoying the fresh air and company of each other, knowing you’re breathing on your own finally. we sit down at a restaurant, order drinks. the table grows silent as a phone rings, tears come rolling down and someone says, “grandma passed away.”

12:04

the minute that the earth stopped. the minute everything became a blur. the minute that you blessed the heavens, while leaving us hopeless and cold. the minute you got to see grandpa. the minute i regretted leaving Denver Health. the minute i froze.

we walk slowly and quietly back to hospital, one after another we pick up the pace, next thing you know my feet are pulling me faster and faster down 6th heading straight for Denver Health. i don’t stop at the red lights, i’m in a full sprint. i’m running because you left us, when we left you. i wanted one more good bye, i wanted one last hand squeeze even, i wanted one last eye opening. i wanted one last moment to share with you, but that moment God knew i shouldn’t have been around for; your last breath.

i regret the conversations we didn’t have. i regret not making enough phone calls. i regret not visiting enough and most importantly, i regret not being by your side, even though you and God both knew, i had to leave your side.

Five Months, September.

i’m writing this with tears in my eyes. i’m writing this feeling your soul sitting next to me, telling me, “hita, it’s time to release this pent up sadness.” you’re constantly in my daily life, i see you in the patients i have, i see you in the sunsets i witness every night and even when my eyes are shut, i see you, i dream of you. i wish you were here to just call me by all the cousins names first before getting to mine. Easter was our last holiday together, and i don’t know how any of us will handle the next few holidays without you, we will be missing you dearly, fighting over who gets to go see grandma first and help her carry in her oxygen, who gets to get grandma the first plate, you saying we scared you after we loudly announced our presence near you, but most importantly, we’re going to miss you fighting us and saying “I love you more” instead of just “I love you too.”

i still haven’t come to accepting your passing Grandma, and i don’t know when i will, but i know you will be aiding me in the moment. i don’t know why you left us so early, but i’m happy that you are no longer ‘tired’ as you would say. the point of me finally being free to tell you, my reader, my story is my grandma finally helped me find my words too. she would want me to be open and probably go grab some subway, haha! this one is for you grandma,

these are the words that i will miss most saying to you for the rest of my life;

I love you most.

static .

what happens when you’re raised by a lot of static?

you’re looking at yourself in the mirror, you used to see galaxies, now its just two piles of mud, and you’re stuck in the muck. Those galaxies just haunt your mind at night, because you cannot understand how you lost them. they use to shine so bright and bold – these galaxies gave you comfort, safety hope and faith. but now you’re one with the silence.

you’re trying to save yourself by simple things that give you peace, each time you’re in that peaceful moment that spark from the galaxies shows. then quickly diminishes. you’re in need of a savior, even though you hate asking for favors. you’re sitting their watching your spirit slowly disintergrating. but you’re too young to give up, to stop believing. you grew up on fairytales, no wonder you’re a dreamer.

one day your driving and a song comes on, and you remember why you haven’t gave up why you continue searching for your galaxies. next thing you know you’re cruising at speed limit, which you normally never do — singing your lungs out, you’re laughing and realizing your galaxies never left — they were just clouded. now you’re fighting harder than ever to remove that cloud, and trust me love, once that cloud disintegrates your galaxies will be back and brighter than ever.

the answer?

– you learned how to tune it out.

Two Years.

three routes to healing:

1. you must let pain visit.
2. you must allow it to teach you.
3. you must not allow it to overstay.

seems simple right? its not, you do all you can to push your pain aside even though it always creeps in without you knowing, then one morning or late night, its there and you’re hurting, you’re crying, you’re cutting, and you’re ready to let go. pain is hanging out with you, wanting to visit, wanting to be wanted and you’re clueless, you’re scared but at this point it’s there. time to let this pain teach you what is needing to be taught.

i know life can be beautiful, i know it can, i just can’t stop – i want the pain to stay with me, i want to feel like the world is against me, i enjoy feeling like i’m alone. but in reality it’s not how it goes, not at all. pain stays with us because were letting it overstay, were not telling it that it’s time to leave, because at this point you can’t, you feel like you’re in to deep with pain, you’re best friends and you can’t let go. pain is now teaching you that pain is temporary, it’s overbearing and quite annoying. don’t you think? yes, pain is even a mindset, more then you believe it is. pain is showing you that bad things happen, it’s not negotiable but it’s what you do once those bad things happen that help.

overstaying makes shit awkward, you know that, like when you have someone just constantly hanging around you, taking up your personal space, just making you feel uncomfortable or forced to keep them around because you’re to shy or afraid to say, ‘hey, maybe you should leave, go home or somewhere else” — don’t let your pain overstay, make pain bounce, be in charge of yourself and your emotions.

look, it’s been two years since i attempted suicide and when i was given that list, i laughed at it, thought it was complete bullshit — now, it’s the greatest advice a paramedic could’ve given me the day i tried to kill myself.

the day i learned that it’s time to begin healing.

you’d be surprised what people hide.

but you’d be more surprised about what people tell you.

beginning of the end.

trauma and pain feel like it’s going to last forever….

someone can give you reasons upon reasons on as to why they would want to kill themselves, and to you, the listener will doubt them and say, “others have it worse” or “suck it up, it’s happened and it’s not happening to you anymore, get over it.” sometimes as brutal as, “you can’t let your past define your future, or you.” but have you ever thought about the fact that majority of the time, the person spilling their heart out to you on what their reason to end their life over is probably breaking more because of you?

some of us have been raped by a stranger, a family member or a trusted individual. some of us have been abused, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, verbally and sexually. some us of don’t like who we are as a person. some of us aren’t accepted for being gay, lesbian, queer, bisexual, or transgender. some of us starve ourselves. some of us drink to get numb. some of us over medicate. some of us “may have it worse than others” but in the end, everyone’s problems matter, regardless. having whatever happen to you isn’t the hard part, constantly remembering it is. 

people forget that mental pain can hurt just as much as physical pain.

sometimes you have to realize that the beginning comes at the end. you’re never truly really ready to end your life, you may think you should or need to, but things do get better. but don’t forget everything you’ve been through, use it to help you grow or to help others. the pain will be with you regardless, you’ll do things differently and act differently, but you’re living and that’s one things you’ll have to remember.

…..it does, and sometimes we forget that.

 

tell.

you tell me you can’t be loved, or that you’re to emotionally unstable.

you tell me you can never love again, or that you’ll only cause damage.

you tell me that your mental health is what ruins everything.

i tell you that i’m too impulsive and everything has to be checked twice.

i tell you that i’m filled with fire instead of water.

i tell you that my mental health is what ruins everything.

they tell us that we need to go to a doctor or go to a mental hospital.

they tell us we are weird and it’s just in our heads, its not real.

they tell us that our mental health is fine, and it’s just us ruining everything.

depression. anxiety. ptsd. borderline personality disorder. OCD. addict.

everyone, somewhere, is someone. if only you’d give them a chance.

doctors tells us it’s only temporary.

doctors tells us these pills will work against you at first and then should help.

doctors tells us the minute you feel suicidal tell us.

suicide tells us you’re worthless and nobody will miss you.

suicide tells us use these pills, swallow them all and go to sleep.

suicide tells us load a bullet and test your aim.

i tell myself you’re surviving and recovering.

i tell myself be at peace not in pieces.

i tell myself i’m  happier than i was last year, and that’s the beginning.

one hour.

“just so you know, your existence changed someone’s life for the better. stay alive and change a few more.”

as i was sitting in the back of the ambulance, upset with myself that my suicide attempt was a fail, that now i have to live with this regret and pain i put myself and family in. knowing that i can never be trusted again with medicine. when the therapist told me that i was going to be transferred to a mental hospital, i lost hope because i’ve heard so much of them, and i didn’t know what to expect. i was so angry that i just rather have been dead than in this ambulance.

the paramedic, looked at me and says, “larissa, you’re twenty, beautiful, full life ahead of you and have such a loving and supportive family, why’d you do it?”

i looked at him stunned that he would ask such question, but next thing you know i’m telling him, “looks can be deceiving but i didn’t do it because i wanted to end my life, i did it because i wanted to end the pain.”

he nods and continues writing his PCR, and i continue staring out the back of the ambulance. the drive was roughly an hour drive from what they told me prior to transport. the paramedic once again strikes conversation with me, i try being short with him, since i really don’t want to talk and he notices but decides to say, “nobody’s mad or upset with you, they’re all actually very glad you’re alive and going to get help.”

i started to cry.

he puts his clipboard down, leans in towards me and hugs me. i was shocked, nobody had hugged or touched me in the last 48 hours, since everyone was afraid i’d break as if i was as fragile as humpty dumpty.

i’ve seen sincerity before, and the look in this paramedics eyes gave me hope, he explains that everyone goes through tough times and this is a just another routine call for him, but sitting here with me he realized that this call was different, he smiles at me and says, “i don’t know what kind of person you truly are, i don’t know how long you’ve been fighting your demons but larissa today is the first day to the rest of your life, promise me that one day when you’re mentally and emotionally healthy, you’ll do something completely out of your comfort zone and make a difference to anyone that you can? and remember that your existence changed someones life for the better, so stay alive and change a few more.”

“i promise.“

tuesdays.

i was sitting in a slightly bigger office than last tuesday, and the first thing i tell my therapist “more space, i like it. did you know i’ve decided to allow more space in my heart, soul and mind ?” she looked puzzled since i hardly say things like that off the bat, but then she smiled and asked me one simple and important question,

‘why’s that?’

you know, i thought it was because i was ready to do that, i felt like my depression had become more manageable without anti depressants completely and my anxiety didn’t want me to freak out over my bedroom door being open. but looking into it, i realized it’s because i want to, i am by no means anywhere near being ready to open up that much space since i finally got used to keeping it small and restricted. i want that extra space because i am too focused on the tomorrow, the future – my future; when i need to focus on the right now since that’s what going to make my future.

one day you think you know how your future is going to work out for you, but every breath you take it changes your course and not because you probably just inhaled some toxins, but because you just opened up your airway to gain more space, causing your lungs to expand more than the breath you just took 2 seconds ago. if you can do that for your lungs, why cant you do it for your heart, mind and soul? yeah, it’s defiantly easier said than done, but when you think about it, once you make those changes or find ways to change it, it’s already being done. a thought is the beginning process in your story. and every story you make for yourself is important, no matter how little or big it is.

letting myself expand my heart, open my mind, and explore my soul makes me strong, not different but strong. i’ve lacked love, and oh my god, have i lacked it a lot; there were moments, not many but a few that i should’ve said “I love you” and not the im in love with you type, just the basic hey, just know i love you. i’ve lacked faith, and without a doubt, i regret the shit out of that – i should’ve had more faith in myself as a person, but instead i doubted myself. i’ve lacked trust, and i have no shame for that, if i have ever said i trust you and you respected it and didn’t take advantage of it, god, you’re someone super special to me and i love you for it, those who abused it, thank you – yeah, thank you for showing me why it’s okay to trust people that don’t deserve it, because it’s shown me that even the neglected, beat down and poorly mannered can teach you something.

my depression made me selfish, after realizing that, i don’t ever want to become that person again, but holy shit for the love of the holy ghost and the macarena, stop saying ‘well other people have it worse, so you shouldn’t be sad’ – yeah okay, some people have reasons to be sad, but don’t we all? some people just aren’t as strong as others.

i’m wanting to make myself better for myself. if i can go from attempting suicide to happiness in a years time, so can you. yes, my depression, anxiety, ptsd and whatever other titles doctors have given me, will linger and never leave, but it’s up to me to accept it and work with it, not against it. i mean after all, dont your enemies become your best friend.